That Song Way Back

"An intro tune to a song started to play. Somewhere behind my mind told me I've always known the song, but for some reason I could not remember the lyrics. And then came the first two lines and in a split second, I remembered you..."

 Are those your eyes?

Is that your smile?...

Right after I finished that photo slide video more than a year ago with this song as the main background, I have also removed the same song from my playlist. In that way, I would not hear that song unless I play the video, making it sound even more special whenever I hear it.

Then, as time went by, the video was pushed back, forgotten behind folders and folders of files in my laptop, and I haven't heard that song for nearly a year now.

Sigh.

This song sure brings back warm memories. Memories of my cookie...

For The First Time

 writter by James Newton Howard

Are those your eyes?
Is that your smile?
I've been lookin at you forever
Yet I never saw you before

Are these your hands
Holdin' mine?
Now I wonder how
I could've been so blind

For the first time
I am looking in your eyes
For the first time
Im seein' who you are

I can't believe how much I see
When you're lookin back at me
Now I understand what love is
Love is for the first time

Can this be real?
Can this be true?
Am I the person I was this morning?
And are you the same you?

It's all so strange
How can it be?
All along this love
Was right in front of me

For the first time
I am looking in your eyes
For the first time
Im seein' who you are

I can't believe how much I see
When you're lookin back at me
Now I understand what love is
Love is for the first time

Such a long time ago
I had given up on findin'
This emotion ever again

But youre here with me now
Yes, I've found you some how
And I've never been so sure

And for the first time
I am looking in your eyes
For the first time
Im seein' who you are

I can't believe how much I see
When you're lookin back at me
Now I understand what love is
Love is for the first time

Lyrics credit: metrolyrics.com

Take Two for Two

I met my cookie again tonight. After... what? How many months was it? Wala na akong time para i-look up at bilangin. Basta, to make the story short, nagkita kami, with the original intention of returning the books that we borrowed from each other last time, and he said he would like to watch a movie with me. But it turned out na alibi niya lang daw yung books para makita ako at makausap. Hindi niya rin tinanggap yung mga isasauli ko sanang statistics book and some "Business Policy" handouts. Sa'kin na lang daw yun.

Simula nang madatnan niya ako dun sa NR1 na nagsi-sing-along with my Korean music video collections, mabibilang lang yung mga sinabi niya. Halos hindi siya nagsasalita kung hindi ko uunahan. He just kept on looking at me, watching what I'm doing, which comprised primarily of surfing the slow, stupid internet, and singing and dancing along with the playing music videos. And then he went out for about three times because someone was calling on him on the phone. On the last time he got out, he entered from the back door, and sat on a chair near that door. I just went on singing and dancing and surfing dahil ayaw naman daw niyang manood ng movie.

And then suddenly, the lights were turned off. Natigilan ako, at looked out at the overhead window of that room, asking myself "brownout?" only then I realized na hindi naman pala brown upon seeing the corridor lights still open. And then I realized that it was him who turned off the lights on purpose for he was sitting beside the switch. Nagbiro pa ako, by copying Jang Geun Suk's line from "You're Beautiful" saying, "Go Mi Nam, I have night blindness. I can't see anything when the light is off." And then I just laughed and went back to my internet surfing.

Before I realized it, he stood up, walked towards me, and as soon as he could, reached and hugged me. I was stupefied for the second time, and for some reasons, as if my laptop was an extension of me, natigil din ang music that was currently playing.

I asked him what's wrong, and all he could answer was "I'm sorry."

I did not expect that to happen, but it actually happened. He was there, right in front of me, hugging me, saying sorry, saying he missed me, and, for the first time, shed tears in front of me. I asked him why he would miss me, eh hindi naman kami masyadong nagkakasama even way back. He answered that he missed my texts messages. I tried to free myself once, but he just hugged me tighter. There was nothing left I could do, but to tap his back, and to tell him "It's okay", and telling him to stop crying.

He later sent me home, and even carried my laptop, na hindi niya naman ginagawa dati.

So, how was it like, Flame? Being hugged by Mark Lee Quinanola himself, nang ganun kahigpit?

Well, how should I describe it? There was no sudden bust feelings. Maybe, if he did this about two months ago, I would have felt a more intense reaction. Tonight, I have confirmed that the little silly child inside of me is gone; that a lot inside of me has changed. I was no longer hoping to have him back, but of course, this is much better than not being reconciled, right?

But then, as soon as i got home, negative stories naman from other friends filled my ears. Ako naman, just smiled throughout the story. Those stories were no longer new to me, no longer a threatening bomb.

Anyway, maybe our friendship didn't really end after all. Or maybe, it did end, and this we have right now could be a brand new one.

+'flame

- excerpt from my journal (12:22 AM 11/19/2012)

Next Chapter?

Whether or not you'll see blank upon flipping on the next page, only the heavens know.

After Six Months

It has come to an end.

The friendship that started last April 17, the one that I have cherished and  have taken cared of for the past six months has finally come to an end.

First, was my mebership in "their page". Sabihin ba namang "nasalaag" ra daw ko didto? He ordered his underlings to remove me. Okay, fine. It was his right to do it and I am not questioning that. But even just for the sake of our friendship man lang, kung naisip niya man lang sana kung sino ako. There are other "civilized' ways of doing it, but he chose the harshest way. How could he shame me in front of those people? how could he??

I was totally devastated by that "rejection". so I shouted out my pain...

"Unsa ko nga friend? DISPOSABLE? Ilabay ra kay human na ug gamit?"

"This shirt... is resigning." with my picture wearing "that shirt".

"Nasalaag? Thank you, ha. I got the message. Don't worry, I won't bother you ever again."

And what happened next?

He blocked me. As if it could make things any worse than it is now. As if siya ang biktima dito at ako ang villain. He totally crushed me.

Underestimated me. REJECTED ME! And that's what angers me the most. Hindi ko na nga alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman eh. All I can remember is that my hands turned frozen. They felt so cold when I discovered what he did to me kanina.

Should I blame myself? How am I supposed to blame myself? All I did, kung may mga nagawa man akong 'selfish' ang dating sa iba, yun ay dahil minahal ko lang siya. I longed to be included in his world, to belong there, to be acknowledged by him. And all these times... sige nga! point out any single thing na ginawa ko para sa ikakasama niya. Meron ba? Kahit katiting lang, meron ba?

All these times, simula nang pinili ko siyang maging kaibigan, wala akong ibang ginawa kundi "to wait on him hand and foot". Everytime he needed me, I was there. Anything he requested basta kaya kong ibigay, he has always recieved it. All my hopes were always for his best. All i did was to please him. Halos wala na ngang natira sa'kin, eh. Many times I felt so drained, but never akong nagreklamo sa kanya, and never akong humingi ng kapalit. Okay lang kahit maubusan ako, basta makumpleto siya. Tapos ito ang matatanggap ko in return? How could he? Ito ba yung ____ na pinili kong mahalin at ingatan? All these times ba, niloko ko lang ang sarili ko, in saying that he is good? Have I blinded myself kaya hindi ko nakita 'tong other side niya?

Cry? Haha. Paano ako iiyak? Ni hindi ko nga alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman. Ainah! Mapapagod lang ako. Pagkatapos kong umiyak, ano? Ako rin lang ang magko-comfort sa sarili ko. Better be blank.

Akala ko sa fiction lang nangyayari ang mga ganito. Best of friends who ended up hurting each other. Totoo palang nangyayari 'to sa real life. And now it's happening to us. But isa lang ang nasisiguro ko. The one writing this journal right now is the same flame who chose him, befriended him, took care of him, loved him for the past six months.

I stayed the same.

He's the one who changed.

- excerpt from my journal (10:21 PM 9/29/2012)

+'flame

He Hugged Me

He hugged me.

Well. it was kind of half-hug, jokingly sympathizing over my little story about my lost phone. But it's still a hug, and I will cherish it.

Haay, after all those ordeals I've been through for the past two weeks, at least now i'm fine again, and improving.

Astrology is irrevocable upon declaring that we Aquarians have the most powerful intuition. I've proved it for so many times, and once again proved it kanina. Imagine, the very moment i was walking back to NR1 (one of the classrooms in mour university) after fetching a cup of coffee from the coin-operated machine, saka rin naglalakad si Mark Lee sa hallway together with his treasurer Ehmar, galing sa office nila.

Kaya hayun, imbes na plano kong umuwi nang maaga, I ended up going home past twelve because he stayed there pa for more or less one hour, dominating my laptop, "facebooking", sabayan pa ng pangungulit, and feeding me those sweet potato bars and otap and dried mango from Ehmar para hindi na ako makapag protest pa. Plus, he gave me two keychains. one was a slipper, and the other was a guitar. Actually, slipper lang dapat yun, pero walang kalaban-laban ung authority niya sa possessiveness ko (big smile). 

We talked and laughed, lightly touching on the things that happened to us for the past times na magkahiwalay kami. And the longer he was there beside me, the faster my spirit's bruises healed, that by the time they bid goodbye, I felt so rejuvenated. And happy.

Just a coincidence, right now is the fifth month of our friendship.

Wala lang. I'm just happy to realize that we saw each other before this day. And I am also happy na kahit wala na kaming communication through texting (because I lost my phone nga), i have proven kanina na walang nabawas sa friendship namin. Yes, he may have not been there during my dark times, but still, my spirit found light upon seeing his smile again.

-an excerpt from my journal, September 17, 2012, 2:00 AM

+'flame

When He's Finally in Love

When your best friend is in love, what do you do? How would you feel?

Love and friendship has always been rivals, but the task of a true friend is to make these two work together.

It's a little bit scary to think that he has already found the one whom he wants to spend the rest of his life with because that would mean a lot of scary changes:

• lesser time with me, more time with her;
• no more long hours of text messaging, except when they will have fights and my advice would be needed;
• dinner together would be next to impossible because people might talk;
• I will not be his only baby anymore. Now there's two of us, and worse, I'll be just second in rank;
• and so much more.

"But a best friend can never perform its function to the fullest if there are no problems, and no worries, and no trials, and no heartbreaks. And a friend is created to polish the wings of the other, so it can fly higher. A friend has no right to cut off the other's wings and keep him on a cage, only for herself."

He will be needing me soon, more than ever. I guess I should, and must, hold on.

Here We Are, Still

"We've come too far together to leave it all behind."

We've been through a single hello, and lots of goodbyes, but we never parted ways since.

Our friendship has been a great blessing to both of us, that it would be such a waste not to share this blessing to all best friends out there.

Hope this blog will serve its purpose through time:

...to keep track of our memories...

and to encourage other BFFs out there to create more.