I felt so depressed when he saw me earlier today, and pretended not to know me. But now, that incident, with a little help from a song that's playing on my phone right now, I have realized something important.
"He calls me friend". That's what the song says. "I am a friend of God".
If Mark Lee's silence and way of ignoring me has caused me a troubled mind and a broken heart because I have considered him to be my friend, a special friend to the extent, then how much more sadness kaya ang nararamdaman ni God kapag iniignore ko siya, or whenever I don't talk to Him for a long time and tend to forget about Him? 'Di ba, it makes sense? Maybe this was God's message to me behind all these pain.
Now I understand it. So amazing how God has used Mark Lee in my life for more than one way, to teach me something, to remind me of something important I tend to forget, to revive me, to train and discipline me, to polish me, to make me stronger.
Just an hour ago, out of confusion, I asked for a sign from God. Kung mag text si Mark, it means I will preserve this friendship still sa kabila ng pananahimik niya on the other line. But if he doesn't text, it would mean I must let go.
He didn't send any message. Until now.
Even some of my friends whom I've asked for guidance said that I must let go. There's no point nga naman in keeping a friendship with a person who doesn't even have the guts na ipakilala ako sa other circle of friends niya, di ba? Kahit man lang "Kani diay si Flame, friend na'ko". Wala jud?
I almost, i mean I have actually told Nix (one of our ka-partido last university-wide election) that I'm letting it go this time. But right now, I have realized:
For years, I have not talked to God, heart to heart. I didn't visit Him in His house every Sunday for almost five years. I was even ashamed to claim His name in front of the people surrounding me, because I feared rejection, because my life was not a good testimony. But all along, God did not even think of letting me go. He waited patiently for the time I'll remember Him again. And when I finally remembered and searched for Him, indeed I found Him, and I was able to come home to His ever loving arms.
And now here I am, complaining that my cookie is not talking to me anymore, that he never once introduced me to his other friends, when in reality, I don't think I'm not that good enough for him to be proud of me in public. Kung ako nga, I once denied the God in front of many people na kung tutuusin, He is worthy of all honor and praise... what rights, then, do I have to complain when another person does that to me?
I'm still at a lost on what to do exactly. If I should continue on persevering with this seemingly hopeless status, or just let go of the friendship I once enjoyed with Mark. But at least, regardless of what my decision would be, there's one thing I'm sure of.
Following God's pattern, I will not close my heart. I will not close my door. So that someday, in case my cookie remembers, in case he decides to come back, he will still find me, waiting for him. Still all for him.
Praise God for the wisdom. Another trial turned into blessing.
- An excerpt from my journal, July 4, 2012, 1:12 AM
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