Next Chapter?

Whether or not you'll see blank upon flipping on the next page, only the heavens know.

After Six Months

It has come to an end.

The friendship that started last April 17, the one that I have cherished and  have taken cared of for the past six months has finally come to an end.

First, was my mebership in "their page". Sabihin ba namang "nasalaag" ra daw ko didto? He ordered his underlings to remove me. Okay, fine. It was his right to do it and I am not questioning that. But even just for the sake of our friendship man lang, kung naisip niya man lang sana kung sino ako. There are other "civilized' ways of doing it, but he chose the harshest way. How could he shame me in front of those people? how could he??

I was totally devastated by that "rejection". so I shouted out my pain...

"Unsa ko nga friend? DISPOSABLE? Ilabay ra kay human na ug gamit?"

"This shirt... is resigning." with my picture wearing "that shirt".

"Nasalaag? Thank you, ha. I got the message. Don't worry, I won't bother you ever again."

And what happened next?

He blocked me. As if it could make things any worse than it is now. As if siya ang biktima dito at ako ang villain. He totally crushed me.

Underestimated me. REJECTED ME! And that's what angers me the most. Hindi ko na nga alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman eh. All I can remember is that my hands turned frozen. They felt so cold when I discovered what he did to me kanina.

Should I blame myself? How am I supposed to blame myself? All I did, kung may mga nagawa man akong 'selfish' ang dating sa iba, yun ay dahil minahal ko lang siya. I longed to be included in his world, to belong there, to be acknowledged by him. And all these times... sige nga! point out any single thing na ginawa ko para sa ikakasama niya. Meron ba? Kahit katiting lang, meron ba?

All these times, simula nang pinili ko siyang maging kaibigan, wala akong ibang ginawa kundi "to wait on him hand and foot". Everytime he needed me, I was there. Anything he requested basta kaya kong ibigay, he has always recieved it. All my hopes were always for his best. All i did was to please him. Halos wala na ngang natira sa'kin, eh. Many times I felt so drained, but never akong nagreklamo sa kanya, and never akong humingi ng kapalit. Okay lang kahit maubusan ako, basta makumpleto siya. Tapos ito ang matatanggap ko in return? How could he? Ito ba yung ____ na pinili kong mahalin at ingatan? All these times ba, niloko ko lang ang sarili ko, in saying that he is good? Have I blinded myself kaya hindi ko nakita 'tong other side niya?

Cry? Haha. Paano ako iiyak? Ni hindi ko nga alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman. Ainah! Mapapagod lang ako. Pagkatapos kong umiyak, ano? Ako rin lang ang magko-comfort sa sarili ko. Better be blank.

Akala ko sa fiction lang nangyayari ang mga ganito. Best of friends who ended up hurting each other. Totoo palang nangyayari 'to sa real life. And now it's happening to us. But isa lang ang nasisiguro ko. The one writing this journal right now is the same flame who chose him, befriended him, took care of him, loved him for the past six months.

I stayed the same.

He's the one who changed.

- excerpt from my journal (10:21 PM 9/29/2012)

+'flame